Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
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I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
🙀🙀🙀😹
The absolute effort that went into this omg
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One