ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
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16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
🇺🇸🤭
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds