Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning!

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

🐶😂

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.