Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power