me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
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THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.