Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
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Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
This is I, Robot all over again
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.