Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
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Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
*3.5 thank you very much.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.