Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

Like sleeping!

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

me, after any kind of buffet.

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?