Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this