Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else