Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

Rambo Rambow

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.