Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*