Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

man i love columbo

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?