Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

you have three unread messages

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.