Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]