Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

ㅤ

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

I’m dying louder than usual today.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?