Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
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There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???