Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

When you’re Kinky but poor

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Growing out my freckles.

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

Finally, an instrument I can play!

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

True.

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face