Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
crazy
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
A short story of betrayal:
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
WHO DID THIS?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??