Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.