Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.