Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Aaaa…CHOO!