Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.