Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*