Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

on da cob, we all corn

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while