Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
*looks at you in batman voice*
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag