Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
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People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.