Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
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*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm