Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
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Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
i really liked this one
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Monday?
No. Next question.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*