Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
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I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.