Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
You Might Also Like
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand