Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.