Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker: