Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
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If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious