Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

What

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.