Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”