Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids