Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

I don’t get marriage

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

my first day as a raccoon

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

They got Raph!

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.