me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
You Might Also Like
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.