me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
You Might Also Like
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
This is why I hate group projects
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
When can I start eating bats again.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
remember
only for emergencies
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?