Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

i think my razor is having a panic attack

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

OH. COME. ON.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.