Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

I can also cook 😂

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

how to have fun when you’re poor

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.