Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

My dog learned how to text

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]