me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
This 4th of July, please remember…
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Dietest Coke
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.