Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force