Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

😉😝

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy