Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.