Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

No one can handle that

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.