Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.