Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.