Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine