Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE