Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.