ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
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I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.