ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
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Attacked by a mop.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.