Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
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My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
can I use a minion as a tampon
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
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[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making