Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Message from the dog groomers

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

me when i see my girls butt

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Church Pugh’s

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

We’ve all been there…

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce