Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
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Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.