Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
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Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally