Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

Alexa turn off the planet

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

linkedin the good parts

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?