ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
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I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Mornin
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Grew big
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
No one:
London landlords:
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?