ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
You Might Also Like
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
when someone compliments me
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?