If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
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God making man in his image was the original selfie
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
“my favorite bon jovi song? oh its definitely the one where it sounds like a computer is trying to talk while burping”
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel