@dubiousgenius

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

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@blade_funner

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

@Skoogeth

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

@kimlockhartga

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

@notalogin

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

@fart

“my favorite bon jovi song? oh its definitely the one where it sounds like a computer is trying to talk while burping”

@OkieGirl405

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

@87bidi

[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me