Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
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Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Kidney stones? Hard pass
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…