Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

What?

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

the red hot silly peppers

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

My Sentiments Exactly