Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song