Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

This pepper has seen some shit

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

The Birdles

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

Blew out my flip flop…

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!